It’s hard to imagine, but before I was best known for being “Shower Thoughts Girl,” my defining characteristic was being “Chef Sylvie,” Northwestern Hillel’s premier kitchen hand. Chef Sylvie is still alive and thriving, and she’s making a guest appearance this week. Bon appétit. 

Not really. This is still an opinion column — I’m not writing a recipe or anything — it’s just going to be an opinion column about food. Now, bon appétit. 

What’s on the menu today, Chef Sylvie? Some one-sided (vegan) beef. 

At first it was just veggie burgers. See, veggie burgers are fine because they clearly identify that they are vegetables. They also taste like vegetables, which makes sense. I enjoy a veggie burger. A good one — with corn and edamame and black beans — absolutely delicious. 

Then, someone decided veggie burgers weren’t enough. We needed burgers that weren’t meat but looked like and kind of tasted like meat. I understand why there is a market for that, but I also kind of don’t.

I am not a fan of vegan meat alternatives. I don’t want to eat a vegan hot dog made out of plastic and dye — I’d rather just open a can of beans. 

I really feel like the best ever meatless chicken nugget or chorizo or whatever doesn’t hold a candle, taste-wise, to a mediocre legume stew or curry.

Vegan meat replacements get in the way of the fun and creativity that goes into cooking. Like, if I want to serve a vegetarian breakfast protein dish, sure I could heat up some vegan sausage patties, but that is so much more boring than making a chickpea hash with peppers and onions. 

I’m still trying to figure out where the line is though. A couple months ago at work, we heated vegetarian — not vegan — bacon. And, although I was reluctant to try it, it was kind of delicious. Should this be an exception to the rule? Not really.

My philosophy is definitely not a perfect science, kind of like fake meat, actually. I don’t think it’s a semantic issue. Like, I have a serious problem with air fryers because they should be called tiny convection ovens. My problem with Beyond Beef has nothing to do with its name. 

Whatever my issue is, one thing I know for sure is that I really love legumes. This might be a self-serving column, because, really, I just want to see more bean-forward vegetarian protein options in the world. It’s so important to reduce meat consumption, but Chick’n is not the solution.

And I know what you’re all thinking: “Okay Chef Sylvie, I hear you. No more vegan meat. But what about tofu?” And to that I say, I don’t know, I don’t love tofu.

Sylvie Slotkin is a Medill sophomore. She can be contacted at [email protected]. If you would like to respond publicly to this op-ed, send a Letter to the Editor to [email protected]. The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the views of all staff members of The Daily Northwestern.